Good for you, you stallion. You partied your nuts off and brought back a trophy to your bed last night. You had that extremely drunk sex last night, with what you thought was a smokeshow, but now as the morning light turns on, you realize she’s a hard 6. Maybe you just don’t want to deal with that awkward, sober, morning after sex moment where you both know you probably will never speak again. Whatever the reason, you need to get this broad out of your bed faster than the peak of your performance hit last night. Here are 6 ways to make sure she hits the road quick:
Tell her you’re more than happy to walk her out
This is subtle way of saying, “I really don’t want to be in your presence anymore, because you’re not nearly as hot or entertaining sober, as you were drunk,” without sounding too much like a douchebag. After all, you do need to leave the door open to smashing her again, or potentially her friends, and you don’t need her blabbering to them about what a jerk you are.
Tell her you have a girlfriend
Even though you probably don’t have a girlfriend, this works like a charm. When most girls hear this, they jump out of bed in a rage of fury faster than when they realize they forgot to take their birth control. She might be fuming mad as she’s leaving, but hey, at least she’s leaving right?
Get dressed like you’re going to the gym
You could get dressed like you’re going somewhere else, but if you put on regular clothes, she might want to go to breakfast first. No girl is going to want to join you at the gym after a night of partying, not to mention she won’t have workout clothes handy. Plus, it makes you look like a stud for keeping up on your fitness. As soon as the door closes behind, plop your caboose on the couch and order takeout.
Talk about STDs
Don’t necessarily say you have one, because that could get you in trouble. Just talk about STDs enough that she feels guilty for having random sex with a stranger. Mention how it really is so unsafe to be smashing everything that walks all the time, and that you should start to be more careful. She will feel guilty enough that although it becomes unbearably awkward in the room, she has no choice but to leave.
Tell her your family is coming over
Unless the girl is a clinger, which you pray to god she isn’t, this will cause most girls to suddenly come up with their own reason on why they need to head out. Once uttering the simple “family” phrase, she will quickly be hobbling down your driveway in one heel while wearing her wrinkled dress from last night.
Pee the bed
This isn’t ideal, but sometimes you need to bite the bullet. This girl just won’t leave. You have been up for the last hour, talking about awkward nonsense from last night, and having to listen to her boring stories about her dumb dog from last week. All you want to do is talk to your buddies about the slam piece you brought home, and this broad won’t take a hint. So, slowly pretend to fall back asleep, and when she thinks you’ve dozed off, pee the bed. Sure, it’s messy and gross, but pretty much any girl will get grossed out and feel awkward enough to leave. Just wake up and pretend to be so embarrassed, and she will leave you to clean up your mess. She may spread the word about this, so only use this option if all other ships are sunk and you are stranded.