Girl in bedGood job. You brought a trophy back home last night. You had extremely drunk sex, with what you thought was a smokeshow, but now as the morning light comes in, you realize it’s a hard 6. Maybe you just don’t want to deal with that awkward, sober, morning after moment where you both know you probably will never speak again. Well, that’s why is here for you. Here’s 5 sure fire ways to make sure they hit the road quick…

Tell him/her you are more than happy to walk them out

This is subtle way of saying, “I really don’t want to be in your presence anymore, because you’re not nearly as hot or entertaining sober, as you were drunk,” without sounding too much like a jerk that is. After all, you do need to leave the door open to reconnecting with them once again (or potentially their friends).

Get dressed like you’re going to the gym

You could get dressed like you’re going somewhere else, but if you put on regular clothes, she/he might want to go to breakfast first. Nobody is going to want to join you at the gym after a night of partying, not to mention they won’t have workout clothes handy. As soon as the door closes behind them, plop down on the couch and order some takeout.

Talk about STDs

StdsDon’t necessarily say you have one, because that could get you in trouble. Just talk about STDs enough that she/he feels guilty for having sex with a random stranger. Mention how it really is so unsafe to be smashing everything that walks all the time, and that you should start to be more careful. They will feel guilty enough that it becomes unbearably awkward in the room and soon have no choice but to leave.

Say your family is coming over

Unless they are really clingy.  This will cause most people to suddenly come up with their own reason on why they need to head out. Once uttering the simple “family” phrase, they will be quickly hobbling out of your door in the wrinkled clothes from last night.

Pee the bed

pee the bedThis isn’t ideal, but sometimes you need to bite the bullet. This guy/girl just won’t leave. You have been up for the past hour and a half, talking about nonsense from last night and listening to boring stories about their dog. All you want to do is catch up with your friends about what happened last night but this person won’t take a hint. So, slowly pretend to fall back asleep, and when they think you’ve dozed off, go ahead and pee the bed. Sure, it’s messy and gross, but pretty much anyone will get grossed out and feel awkward enough to leave. Just wake up and pretend to be so embarrassed, and they will leave you to clean up the mess. Now, they may spread the word about this, so only use this option if all other ships are sunk and you are completely stranded. Ahoy!